I hate myself, my life, my town, my job. This old house falling apart, I can't do it. I'm planning my getaway. I don't belong here. I need to move away. My daughter is 19, she can figure out how to take care of herself. My older son will be 18 in a month. And the way he just yelled at me and threw things at my daughter & me, he can F off. I'm sobbing as I write this. That I'm even thinking of leaving my children. Everything just turned out horribly wrong, I thought I could take on the world & had more children than I can take care of by myself.

I asked my boyfriend if he'd raise my younger son, he said he would. He would've been a good dad. I have to get away from here, and I don't want my youngest to have to move with me and change schools. Bf wants me and my youngest to live with him. I can't stand him enough to live with him. He's a good man, hard worker, keeps a schedule, good influence - total bore for someone like me. He doesn't have huge compassion, and we don't have much for interesting conversations. But someone needs to teach my boy to be a man. He wants me & youngest to live with him. He doesn't want to support my older 2. And I'll never love him because of that. 8 years, he could've done so much to help me with the older 2.

I will have to get everyone moved out of the house so I can fix it up & sell it. I can't live here anymore. I'll have to find homes for my pets. I can't even deal with that.

And I'll have to find a different job, I can't take the stress anymore of an executive position. I can't do it anymore.

This town, I hate it, I don't fit in. I don't have good friends. They won't even notice me gone.

I will find somewhere to live, anywhere other than here. I failed at raising my older 2. They got the bp from me. They're both drug addicts, pot heads, unmotivated, help with nothing - well my daughter helps a little. And at least she's usually much nicer than my son. They both have hit me before - I would never hit my mother, how did it turn into this. And then they got whatever from their dad, zero work ethic, mean violent streak. My son looks just like him. And his dad is evil. I can't wait to kick him out when he's 18. I hate myself right now. I used to be a good person. I hate that i'm even thinking like this.

My youngest still has a chance. He's got a cheery attitude, athletic, works hard, does chores. He's getting really good grades despite his learning disability. 6th grade has been hell, we're up such late hours doing homework sometimes. I will miss him. I will come back for him when I get a place and a job. Took him to his first school dance tonight, he looked so handsome. I'm counting down the minutes 55 until I can go pick him up, come back home and finally take some valium and calm down. My head hurts so bad and I can't stop crying.