at the risk of completely pissing people off or sounding absolutely crazy...

is there a part of you that doesn't want to get better? i know that my depression is awful and i hate it. but i'm kind of afraid to get better/be normal. with my debilitating depression, my parents place a lot less pressure on me and i get a lot of attention and care from them. while i desperately want to feel better, there's a tiny part of me that doesn't want to... i'm afraid of people (well, my family since i don't have people in my life) expecting more of me. and i'm afraid to be well enough to go out and do things because i'm not a huge fan of being around people. i can't really explain it, but as deep and dark as my depression is, there's a little little part of me that doesn't want to get better.

but these thoughts make me feel like my depression is completely illegitimate and that i'm using it as an excuse to not do things/be responsible. i guess i'm just really confused. but i know that i don't feel happy or excited when i have a good day and i don't know why that is and how to change my mindset to a normal one. i don't know... i feel like i'm not articulating this well. i'm just so confused. i hate feeling depressed but i'm also afraid to get better. it doesn't make sense. i feel so illegitimate. like a fraud.