just a random update. my psychiatrist talked to the doctor who administered my ECT, describing the cognitive and memory problems i've been having. the doctor said that he's never seen anything like that before, and that he doesn't believe it's possible that the ECT is causing my symptoms. his position is that ECT only sometimes leads to a brief period of short-term memory loss and surely could not be affecting me 9 months after treatment was ceased.

this, to me, is absolutely absurd. there are hundreds of accounts of people who have experienced detrimental long-term effects from the treatment, and many of their stories are similar to mine. for the doctor i basically trusted my life with to be so grossly misinformed and dismissive about something like that really adds insult to injury. the one person who should understand and/or be able to help me basically saying "you're out of luck, pal!" just makes me feel pretty bad.

memory is getting worse without a doubt... some pretty absurd stuff. if i have something in my left hand and pick something up with my right hand, i often forget the nature of what's in my left hand and spill/drop it if it happens to be something other than a single solid object. i get lost on roads in my own hometown of 27 years and somehow end up driving in circles every time i go somewhere. i'm always afraid i just missed a stop sign or went through a red light, because my memory is so short that i'm not completely sure what just happened. for all i know, i actually am missing stop lights. it's getting to the point that it's probably not safe for me to drive anymore.

another really weird one... if i'm sitting or laying down and have my eyes closed, after a little while all memory of where i am, what time it is, and whether it's light or dark outside goes away for a few seconds. i'll be laying in bed and it's almost like my brain has a 5-second experience in which i can feel myself laying on the couch and see that situation from my perspective. similarly, if my eyes are closed and the tv is on in the background, i will immediately completely forget what show it is, even if it's something i watch all the time. it takes like 10 seconds of hearing various voices talking before i have any ability to recall what i'm watching.

also, just been plagued with a lot of paranoia and weird thoughts about how the universe works lately. i know that i'm not schizophrenic, but i feel like i'm teetering on the edge of what could objectively be called sanity. all i can really do is try to laugh at the absurdity of the whole thing and hope it gets better, i guess.