Good actions but I still have to work on my state of mind.

I went out yesterday to the parade in Manhattan. I was planning to try to go but didn't know if I would make it. I was up very late on Saturday night and thought I would end up too tired to go, so I am really glad I got myself out and into the city.

We always talked about going when my friend Michelle was here (before she moved to Nevada) so sometimes that brought up sad memories about how far we are now. But going by myself turned out to be OK. My knees didn't hurt too much either, hardly at all, and I was on my feet almost all day with no problem. So that was good too.

I ended up feeling sad at the end of the day though. It is one of the things that almost kept me home. I didn't talk to anyone there, make friends, start a conversation, anything... and that is the reason I wanted to go. Last week I felt all gung-ho about going, but when the weekend came I felt very withdrawn. Because of that I am glad that I made myself go anyway, but my depression is still bad enough that I keep thinking of just how lonely it made me feel. Seeing all the people who were together... not just "couples" but also groups of friends, made me feel isolated and increased the feeling that I don't "belong" anywhere anymore.

And I'm also focused on several points yesterday when I had an opportunity to join in or talk to someone... but I just couldn't. I couldn't visualize myself "fitting in" with anyone there, even the people I thought I might have something in common with.

So I ended up mostly just thinking of how desperately lonely I am now, and how I used to be happy just being me, and enjoyed times when I was alone without feeling lonely.

Today I slept most of the day. Haven't eaten yet, going make some dinner for me now.

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