This week has been frustrating for me. Two of my alters were very upset by things my t and my counselor said. Lucy was really angry that my t kept talking about body/sex stuff and she does NOT talk about it. I was able to talk to him about her concerns, and afterward we 'talked' together by writing out her thoughts, and me responding. She was feeling a bit better after.
The next day, I saw my counselor and was trying to explain that Henrietta (9) was the one who was always trying to prove to her that we are 'bad' sometimes, we're not as good as she keeps thinking. She decided to ask some questions, and wouldn't let me answer them, saying she wanted us to think about the answers. It focused on whether H can be good, and what she does that's good. H was soo angry about it because she does not want to think of herself as good, and my counselor wasn't listening to me when I tried to explain it. It felt like she was trying to make her feel more vulnerable, or try to change the way she was thinking, without first trying to understand her and gain her trust. And when H gets angry, she just wants to kick and throw things, and snap at everyone around her. I helped her write a letter to my counselor, and it was very strongly worded. I just want her to see what I see in H. She is angry, but she's the biggest protector I have, she is very focused on justice, and on fighting any bullies. I let her rip out the page the questions were written on. Also, as I was leaving my counselor gave me a sucker for H to have. She now feels like she's being manipulated and bribed.
She's really angry, and since she's 9 it's a much more intense feeling than most of mine. But I'm also really upset on her behalf. I feel like she was trying to pick a fight with H, or like she was trying to use adult tactics to prove that she's right and H is wrong. I just wish she would listen.
I'm exhausted, and need someone I'm seeing to help me reassure and support the others, especially the younger ones (I have 5 children as parts) and instead I feel like she's trying to poke around and see what reactions are instead of listening to me. I went in with a list of the different parts she's met, and what their needs/basic perspectives/outlooks are. And she didn't even want to hear it.
However I feel like if I get upset she's going to suggest that I'm seeing too many people, or that she can't help me and maybe I should look for someone else. UGH. I don't know what to do. If someone has an alternate perspective on what she might be trying to do, I would really appreciate hearing it!!
thanks,
IJ