As of late I go so far as to become reclusive and try to never let relationships become too serious or intimate, pretty much avoiding new relationships and keeping old relationships distant. As much as I love to be with people, I feel as though I need to be without them. Sometimes our wants and our needs are two completely different things, I want love and intimacy in my life, but I need to keep my sanity. Usually I tend to panic in the face of being left alone by a significant other, and would literally do anything to avoid it. With friends I would try to bribe them into staying, or suggest to them when I sense they want to leave, that we should go see a movie or go to a museum or something, just to spend more time with them. With intimate relationships at times, I have found myself begging, pleading and manipulating to try to get my way back into their life after they say its over. Sometimes I threaten to take my own life when faced with more abandonment trauma, sometimes I get really angry and point the blame back at the person who is trying to leave. They say they are leaving because of my neediness, I say they are leaving because of their selfishness. In hindsight I am the selfish one, all these examples are reasons why I avoid close relationships, to protect myself from getting hurt because my heart is fragile after being broken so many times, its being held together by scotch tape.