I'm at a point now where I just get angry when people reject or abandon me, like it's just not acceptable for them to do that to me. Like sometimes I get that crazy "If I can't have you, no one else can" mentality.

A few weeks ago my not friend said he was coming to a venue kinda close to my house to see a band for his birthday and I was like "oh your in my area, come visit me" and then he was like "I don't think my girlfriend would like that" and I got mad and was questioning it.. like he has a ****ing female roommate, whats the big deal if he stops to visit a female friend? How is that any different? and we argued then he said he's sick of me getting aggressive with him because he doesn't want to be more than internet friends and that he didn't want to talk to me anymore and deleted me from facebook so I'm like "oh, you're going said venue you say? I'll show you aggressive" then he was like "blah blah you're threatening me" and then blocked me.. so I sent him texts wishing him a happy birthday and going on about how much we're going to have.. like being full on crazy and I did not give a ****. For days I fantasized about going up there and like kicking him in the balls or busting a beer bottle over his girlfriends head just so he'd blame himself for going there in the first place. I got over it in a few days though and never actually went to the venue.

My boyfriend broke up with me (which this forum knows ALL about) we're FWB now.. maybe it's stupid but I have like 2 friends that I rarely hang out with, I don't do anything.. I'm bored and lonely and hanging out with him alleviates some of that but I'm still upset that he broke up with me and feel rejected and fear that he'll reject me again and sometimes when I stay the night I'll fall asleep to thoughts of strangling him or suffocating him with the pillow.

I'm certain that these violent thoughts are not at all healthy but I'm not really sure what to do about them. I don't want to tell my therapist because they HAVE to report homicidal thoughts and I don't want to go to the hospital, like wtf is that going to do? I'll just sit there for a few days while they shovel pills down my throat only to go back to the same ******** that's making me angry.

I'm a terrible person, sorry.