Yeah... I get it. I react like that to people (I am, in fact, currently reacting like that with my own T...). So it's definitely not just H, and it's not just because she's 9!

I also get the good as weak and bad as strong. I do in fact totally get that. I can't get myself to show "weakness" to people - which is things like I can't show them when I'm afraid, or tell them about what upsets me, or when I feel affection, or when I'm sad. I can't express any of the emotions that would elicit comfort from others, as I can't trust them. They aren't weaknesses H - but they do make us vulnerable and gives opportunity for others to hurt us more easily. I can't even be open about body-stuff or physical affection because it's too close and shows me as being a vulnerable human too much!

Which is rather silly, isn't it? That we have to be somehow super human when really, we're just humans. I hope that your T will start feeling more approachable to H again - it's soooo hard once someone scares you off from doing something.

(This is mostly for H: My T's just scared me off because he's made a few comments about how he expects I'll eventually refuse to come in. And he has asked many times about why I am staying in this city when I don't like it. Combining that with how much he knows about me - I've shared tons more than I want to because I don't trust him.... and I feel like he's already rejecting me and abandoning me and that I am not worth the effort. Which is exactly how I feel and what I've learned from so many past people. I'm terrified to go and see him again, because I sent him an email that didn't make sense. But... I know, in another part of my brain... that he isn't doing that. It's just me being scared and trying to sabotage things. I'm scared to let him in. But I'm blaming him right now for not basically reading my mind, because there's a lot that I don't say. I don't even know what I have said or haven't said. But I'm definitely treating him like people from my past, and that isn't really very fair of me is it? So I keep telling myself to keep trying and not to do what the scared part of my brain is telling me to do. I'm also currently ignoring what the angry bit of my brain is telling me to do - although it might actually be good of me to share that bit with him. Because it's the part that would be honest with him I suppose. I'm just too scared to do that. )

Wow that was long!