I'm not really an "active" suicidal. I think about it a lot but it's pure speculation...fantasizing if you will. I could never go through with it at least not now because it would hurt too many people that I love and I tend to care more about other peoples' opinions and feelings than I do my own.

However, I know it's how I'm going to die. I can't think of any other way. It HAS to happen! It's GOING to happen someday. I just don't know when yet. I know how it will happen. I have elaborate plans laid out and I've been very creative in the process, but I don't think I'm allowed to discuss that here.

I have talked about it with my therapist and she doesn't understand why it HAS to happen. Why I HAVE to kill myself sometime that there is no other way.

Does anyone else experience this or know why I have this mindset?