So sorry you were raped!

I sincerely hope you are seeing a T. Sometimes, we underestimate our mental pains and end up getting hurt a lot more. Please make it a point to continue T. You can push things like that under the carpet and think that you'll get over it. You need to heal your mind.

What you are feeling is not uncommon. I guess it is similar to Stockholm Syndrome. I also guess that's why many rapes and sex abuses never get reported. I never told anyone when I was being sexually abused....instead, I convinced myself that my abuser (my father) was actually doing it because he was going through tough times at work and the fact that his father was dying off cancer.

We feel a sense of protecting the perpetrator. You initially HATED him for all he did....and I'm guessing, you suddenly have a feeling of protecting him, that's why, you are wishing he'd contact you, so that you can get closure on this incident. We sort of want to diminish the pain by "not making a big deal" out the crime against us.

Fight this urge dear. Work with your T. See if you can get this creep arrested (because he may rape again). He doesn't deserve ANY sympathy or care or to that matter protection. Give yourself some time. You'd mortally hate this guy when you are healed. But I sincerely hope that he'd be in jail then.

Good luck!!