In the past Ive threatened suicide, self harmed, got drunk, ****ed up on whatever drug was available, threatened, blamed, the works to avoid abandonment. However, what HealingNSuffering described is also where I am at with regard to people. I live in a "foreign" country and have no friends. I could have had some but not wanting to be rejected meant I rejected them first. In fact, one of the reasons I moved to a country where I don't know anyone was to get away from people and be somewhat alone.

I live with my long term gf who I feel hates me. I go through periods of lonliness but half the time I feel like Im just trying to keep my head down and pass time until I die from whatever illness will ultimately kill me. The rest of the time I suffer fluctuating moods. I become obsessively fantasise about becoming a hermit. I research forests where I could run away to and plan what equipment I would need to survive. I convince myself that would be the only way I could go on.

BPD is a living hell but I cling on to the few hours/days when its ok.