Hey guys and gals,

This is a good thread, Dare. Thank you for pointing out these important things!

I think it is important to note what you had said in your first line...

You said, "How far do you go to avoid being abandoned by someone you respect?"

If you're wondering why I bolded, and underlined the word, "respect," it's because you pointed something out - that in my mind - is vitally important in answering your question.

Before I explain why, I think it's important to ask yourself, "why," you, "respect," your doctor so much. In asking you this - I don't expect you to reply on this forum and explain why it is that you feel so emotionally connected to him and why you respect him so much... However, I ask that you keep that in the back of your mind - because I know that for me - (given that I have been in a VERY similar situation) that it has helped me to get over previous therapists that I had learned to respect so deeply.

I must say that I am sorry that in passing your doctor - he did not acknowledge you in the way that you had envisioned. [[[[[In saying this - remember that we with BPD are extraordinarily sensitive to slights and facial expressions - and that we are constantly on the lookout for anything that says someone doesn't like us]]]]].

In saying that, remember that we with BPD have, "UNREALISTIC EXPECTATIONS," when interacting with others.

I must say - that in objectively hearing your story - I would have much rather had you see him after a long period of time. I think it would have been good for you to heal from the loss of such an important figure in your life before seeing him on the street. Just know that he is a professional - and that part of being a professional therapist / psychiatrist - includes doctor and patient privacy. Perhaps he felt that in avoiding you - it would help keep things private in respect for you. Perhaps he even felt - that (((given the amount of distress you were in upon learning he was no longer your doctor - and despite your best efforts to keep him as your doctor))) - the best thing he could do, [FOR YOU] was to distance himself.

I know it is extremely hard to look at things this way - but trust me - he cares about you, genuinely. And if there is any other reason as to why he may have reacted the way he did - just remind yourself that he is a deeply compassionate individual - in a very sensitive occupation - who helped you greatly, (Proof being the amount of respect you have for him) but who ultimately felt the need to distance himself - for YOUR well being. In saying this - I actually think he handled things as a professional therapist would. What I mean is: I don't think any other therapist would have acted any different given the circumstances.

One thing that I had a difficult time coming to terms with - was the idea that we with BPD can often idealize someone.

Of course you respect your therapist - he listened to your deepest and most personal issues. He helped you learn to deal with them. He gave you a safe place to learn from your mistakes and to foster your own growth. He gave you a place of trust and acceptance. He did not judge like most people do on the outside world - and he welcomed all of your negative thoughts and emotions...

In doing this - of course you will develop respect for him.

But it is NOT a mutual respect.

That is hard to hear. But it's true.

Because we have a deep respect for our therapists, and because we hold them on such a high pedestal - and tend to idealize people who we respect - we (CAN and often, DO) in turn: expect a mutual return of respect.

What I mean by this is: Because we view our therapists in such a high regard - we expect them to treat us - in a high regard. [[[To put it lightly: we expect our therapists to treat us the same way we would treat them]]]. But in all honesty - our therapists rarely, if ever: respect us in the same INTENSITY - that we respect them. How could they? They DO respect us: as people suffering with genuine issues - searching for answers that may help us find peace with it all... But we are patients. They are professionals. They see many patients a day. We only see them.

I think you had an idea of what would happen had you run into your therapist outside of therapy. I think this because I know that I would ruminate the event in my head time and time again - until I had come up with a realistic idea of what would happen. But really - I would ruminate the event in my head until I come up with the most, "desirable," possibility... Therefore, I would have expectations for things to go as I, "desire," them to go... But they never do.

You ran into your doctor / therapist - on the street, one month after you had seen him last. He reacted in a way that went against (YOUR) expectations. [[Against your most, "desirable," outcome in running into him]] His reaction went against all your own preconceived ideas of what would happen in the event that you should run into him...

To you - this could mean that he no longer likes you... That he hates you...

Despite not knowing, for a fact: what, or how he feels about you at this point in time - nor what he was thinking / feeling when you ran into him on the street - you can easily allow yourself to fall into a place of devaluing him, based on non other than assumptions fueled by BPD insecurities...

Assume: Makes an, "***," out of, "u," and, "me."

(Assumptions make an *** out of you and me)

Try to remember that with BPD - comes the fluctuation between idealization and devaluation. That you can love someone one moment - then hate them the next. Your negative thoughts are telling you that he hates you, that he never cared in the first place - and it is purely irrational in that it is based on BPD ways of thinking. Catch yourself thinking these things. Remind yourself that the pattern can sweep you up and take you away before you know it. It's not based on FACT. It is based on your own perceptions - limited entirely on your own subjective interpretation of the event - and therefore, is weighted towards a BPD way of thinking. Which - we all know - tends to make us think, feel and believe that others hate us, when really - they love us!

Thanks,
HD7970Ghz