I could post this on the ptsd board too but it fits here as well. I have ptsd as a result of childhood torture, neglect. I have had a wonderful therapist for a long time. I have worked at the same job, from which I am now on a leave of absence, for 15 years. It's a job advocating for people and coordinating services. It has become very bureocratic as the state takes more and more power. I feel like I ma in the trences working on solutions and they are counting pennies. I help people die with dignity and the care they want. I lose a lot of clients. I have job burnout. I have the worst depression I have ever experienced. I have no energy, am wanting to be in bed a lot. I don't know if I can go back to work. I feel afraid of the world. I am trying hard to do the right things. Had a slip up last night and was following advice I had seen in other posts to say the positives and not beat myself up for the negatives. I am still adjusting meds. I am not sleeping as well. I am staring at the ceiling a lot. I rode 4 miles on the bike today hoping that would help and I will do it regularly. I am so sad, so depressed, so without the most simple energy. I don't even really want to talk. I am not doing all that well. I want everyone to leave me alone and let me stay in bed or swim or play with the critters or stuff i want to do. My foster daughter of 12 years died 5 years ago next month. My son had cancer and is free now three years. My husband got into major legal trouble around sending two of our kids to a different school and faking residence. 5 years probation and we have to pay 16,000 to that town. I can't not work. My son's in college and daughter getting ready to go. I can't find a job that pays close and when I look at the job listings I just feel a sense of doom. I am scrutinized under a microscope daily by not my employers, but the frreakin state and the paperwork. All I want to do is help people who have been marginalized to live with dignity and pride. My husband has had a few breakdowns with hospitalizations. Through all of the life crap I have picked myself up, brushed myself off and gone back to work. My youngest daughter developed ocd when she was 7 and it was 4 months of hell. NO SLEEP> I plugged along doing my job and holding my chaotic family together. I went back to0 work 2 weeks after our foster daughter died. Picked up and continued to carry all of this responsibility for other people's lives. Coordinating, begging, making up services, called out at all hours with dying people and a need for comfort. No one ever thanks me except my clients and they all die. Families take it forgranted. I was with a family as their mom died, brought them a hospital bed on a saturday so they could bring her home to die. Transferred her into the bed, cleaned her up, gave them info and supplies and got hospice in the next morning. Draining work. And they assume it's all part of the job but it's me and my desire that people be comforted and feel cared about. So, I need to work on boundaries and figure out when to say no and how to grieve my kids death and the daily deaths of people I have known for many years. I need to fight this darned depression. I need to be functioning and I do not feel like doing so at all. I want to feel better but see little hope right now. I am almost numb. it sucks too much.