Well I guess it is partly because you are skeptical about ever finding a resolution to issues that bother you.

For many years, in my younger life, I was convinced I would kill myself by 30 or around that age.

Indeed I could not imagine my life working out, and I could NOT imagine being happy.

But now, at 38, I LOVE MY LIFE.

I don't have any miracle advice for you just the following. Get professional help and give it a go, so in your case keep talking to your therapist and try to be honest. (2) Try and talk through or resolve difficulties with people you care about (3) Change what needs to be changed in your life, find what you want/need, you CAN achieve a future which is not so bad that suicide seems like the only option.