I understand. I think I sound bitter when I write about certain things too, and when I notice that I sound bitter I tend to assume that I must feel bitter.

Does your T let you write to him too? That is the thing that is finally working for me. I would go to therapy and just sit there not being able to say anything. This stuff is just too hard to talk about. But I can write about it. My T gave me his email address when I asked if I could write to him, and now I can finally tell him what I need to. I'm getting better at talking about it face to face too. But I don't ever call him. I do worse on the phone than in person, but besides that, I live in a rural area and he only comes out here every other week. The rest of the time I don't usually know where he is.

Having the secretary call me (more than once, and not following up) was why I quit therapy for about a year and a half. I went back after February because he was the first one I found who was doing me some good, and I really do like him, but I know about having your feelings hurt too.

There are some reasons why you might still SI when otherwise things are going okay. One possibility is that you want the endorphins that are released. There is a medication for that - it blocks the effect of the endorphins. (Naltrexone - Revia is a brand name). Another possibility is that it has just become a habit. In certain circumstances or even at a point in your routine it is just what you do. It has worked for you, so you just do it again.

Hey, I just might stop using this username and get start a new one. I like opening up here and talking about stuff, but I have started to be afraid that someone might recognize me if I am using my real name. I took my picture and my website URL off of my profile for that reason too. I want people from here to be able to find my website, but if they click on it from here the referral from this site shows up and I'm scared that either my DH or T might follow the link back to here (they both look at my website) and see what I am posting, and that makes me nervous. Not that I think they would go so far as to join this site or go snooping around looking for me here, but the thought that they could is making me uncomfortable. So if I switch that's why and you're welcome to visit my url (it's ddiamond.net). I just wanted you to know why.