Since March I have been without a T. It has been really rough dealing with my own personal issues that we had been discussing plus my new feelings of his rejection and abandonment.

For the last couple of months I haven't really been on meds. The last scare from the med reaction scared me enough. Plus I haven't had a doctor willing to figure out what may actually work except for the pill pusher here in town and I have been trying to avoid him.

Between the two, job stress and normal home, plus an extra empty pocket of money (really short the last couple of months), I have been trying really hard to keep it together.

My boss and I do not work on the same page concerning work. His first time as a General Manager, I've got about 4 years of experience to his one. He is however, technically my supervisor. Favoritism runs rampant and people do as they please sometimes.........which goes against every fiber inside of me.

He left for a week's vacation this past one and I was in charge. It was awesome!! For the first time in awhile, I was back where I belong and I tightened the reins.......stepped on a few people and kept my sales numbers in line plus an extra $708 over projected sales.

The problem is that last month I deliberately left the store a mess one night to show him that people thought they could get away with it because " ******* lets me do things". He was very angry with me the next day at what he walked into - that was my point. It did not go over very well.

He told me that it was a reflection upon me and that regardless of what they feel, I have to MAKE them do it, etc. The argument then progressed to letting just about anyone walk into the back of the restaurant: former employees, friends, etc. He made the mistake of yapping at me about my son going back there.

I blew up at him. As I told him, my son comes back there to say hello or goodbye to me or to help bring back dishes and help clean up, not to socialize. If he is going to pick on my son, then he should be consistent across the board and make sure that EVERYONE that doesn't belong back there, stays out of there.

Without thinking, without my meds, I went even further and wrote out my notice requesting either a store transfer (including one state over - I'm not that far from the border) or that I would be quitting. I then also called HR and brought up the "double standards" of what was going on and that it created a "hostile work environment" for me. [sigh].

Once I had settled down, and he had, we talked.............but of course, the damage had been done. HR had called my DM and that led to the Regional Manager. Now they are thinking of accepting my resignation (even after almost a year of service) and won't tell me one way or the other. I faxed a letter to HR requesting things be dropped, that we had talked and were compromising on issues and working things out.

I hate the sensation of free-falling and that is what has been happening. If I lose this job, it isn't so much just the job (although I do love it) - it is the fact that the company doesn't care enough about me to work things out and transfer me or just drop it.

That of course leads to the feelings of being nothing but a failure and how am I going to support my family. I did call the DM and he claims that he will let me know this week, and that "even if we accept your resignation, you'll still have one last two week paycheck". HELLOOOOOOOOOO, what does that sound like to you??? Sounds like I need my tin cup and start begging.

If they accept it, I still have to work there for 2 weeks. My emotions will not be able to deal with this and I know that I will start cutting again, almost immediately, to try to cope. As the days progress and the 11th of July comes I will begin to fall apart.

If I don't have another well-paying job by the 11th, I will have to go to the hospital. That last day I will go straight there otherwise I will not survive the night. I know this - I feel it in every part of my body.

I ask ******* about it, and he claims not to know. Yea, right. I wish I had kept my mouth shut, and I would have...........until he started in on my son - I hate it when people talk out of both sides of their mouth. Now they may be paying the price for my outspokeness. I don't think I can get unemployment because I did submit my resignation;however, since they did not find me another place, wouldn't that seem to be letting me go?

I sat at the store the other night listening to the music that our place is famous for, and just crying in the office.

I called disability to find out when I can have my hearing - been waiting forever.........and I was told that there is a 13 month waiting list and since my last appeal was Dec. of 2003, I won't be hearing from them until the beginning of 2005. Isn't that nice?

Then my husband's car is not working. I have been working for 11 days straight until today, and somehow this is my fault. I drove him to the car store today but he still can't pinpoint the cause. I'm trying to put in apps everywhere I can find, and he's getting upset because I'm not driving him around plus he needs cigs. (cha-ching, there goes my built in ATM).

If I am silent, please understand it is because as the days progress I am withdrawing more and more into myself. If I get bad news this week, it will devastate me. I'm praying that they just let me stay and drop it, but I doubt it. Even if they do, why would they let me hang this long when I have a family to worry about? Punishment?

I haven't seen my parents in almost a year - since my mom's fall last Sept., by their choice. Such a warm feeling there.......[sigh]. Course if I don't call every other day I get yelled at when I do or my father calls me to say I'm neglecting my mom - guilt.


<font color=red>Don't you just hate it when life doesn't follow the manuals? - Author Unknown</font color=red>