I keep thinking about what was going on with the transference towards my therapist.

Despite being over 20 years older than I am, I found her very attractive - probably something that was enhanced by those qualities that I admired in her: confidence, intelligence, drive - sometimes her playful side would come across. Things that I wish I had more of in myself. I envied her too, I guess - she's very successful. Letting her see how broken I was and what a failure I really am brought up a lot of shame in me - I spent a lot of time trying to hide my shame from her - time wasted in therapy. When it finally broke through it brought up strong feelings of anger and humiliation (which I found quite kinky) and now there's a lot of regret. My feelings keep swinging between regret and erotic humiliation and I feel very stuck.

I keep asking myself whether I am so small that I couldn't accept the help of a strong successful woman? The thought of getting on my knees and begging her to give a damn about me feels so so right.

I've got to be careful about why I'm writing this. I know that part of me is enjoying pining for her because it distracts me from the task of getting on with my life. It also feels good to actually feel something for another person. On the other hand I think it's healthy to express the feelings that I'm ashamed of so that I don't build up the shame in my head. I know that these kind of feelings are not that uncommon.