I just need some advice if anyone has any to give. I live in North Carolina,USA and I applied for disability 3 years ago after being out of work for 3 years thinking I was going to get well enough to go back.

The thing is, none of my doctors at the time wanted to back me up and I have realized since I first applied, that I should never have asked them to help me on my 1st or 2nd visit. I didn't know any better.

The SS people sent me to their doctor for evaluation and of course,I passed his test.Anyone with fibromyalgia knows its normal to be able to do alot and pay for it later. Had they asked me back to do the same things later that same day, I would have failed the "test".

I went to their psych and when he asked me if I had been suicidal, I said, yes and no... and asked to explain, I told him there were times I had wished I were dead because the pain was too great and the inability to do anything was too depressing.But I never had a plan to actually do anything because I love my family, my children too much to hurt them that way, and I also have deep faith in God that prevents me from taking my own life.I failed his "test" too.

He recommended I seek counseling but he didn't think my depression was bad enough to matter... so I was denied twice, and then hired a laywer to help me with a hearing.

I started seeing a counselor for depression and thats when I started talking about my past and the abuse thats when the memories became more vivid and more frequent... and she and I talked about me having PTSD...she said she would help me any way she can with my disability case. She knows the truth about me....

The deal is I can't bring myself to talk to my GP again since I did about 3 years ago and he said he couldn't help me. I don't even know how to ask him again.This is where my anxiety kicks in at its worst.. when I try to talk to someone about my condition and when I have to ask for help...I don't know why.. and I don't know how to change it.

I have tried many times to talk to him..I have panic attacks... I can't speak.... the words won't come... even if i take notes with me...I simply clam up.I haven't complained much to him about stuff either.. I go in and be the brave soul as always... never complaining, or bringing attention to myself.

I feel like I have mislead him with my false bravado...I'm afraid I will need him to help me or I won't be approved for disabilty at all...so now what? How do I fix this?

My legal rep called me yesterday to say they are just now starting to hear 2005 case and it will probably be May or early fall before we hear anything.I'm trying to figure out how I can possibly get the judge to make a decision without a hearing, but I don't know how to do that. Thats the biggest thing I need help with.... does anyone know?

Sorry this is so long and I hope you guys have some answers.... I try not to bother ya'll too much but this time I really need some input... I am truly at a loss and feeling very desperate. I have been living with my wonderful boyfriend who has supported me and my son all this time....but I originally had a good job and was supposed to be paying my share in this home we bought.. I NEED to be doing my part....

ahead of time ya'll!

Wishing you all painfree days..... Faith