hi i am new here
sorry, didnt really know where to put this post so i put here in genral, i hope that is ok
i think its too late and i am in a hopeless place. i dont expect anything. i dont know if this is going to help in any way.
i guess i have had problems for a long time. i first tried to kill myself when i was 10 years old. i am 32 now.
last year i was diagnosed with schizoaffecive disorder . at that point i had been thought many different diagnoses. my doc was always so vague and i always seemed to leave appointments with with feeling even more confused and unhappy than when i arrived. in the end i canceled my out-patient appointments with him. i have seen so many doctors and therapests and i really havent found it helpful.( well maybe one but she canceled my because she was unable to see me every week as she felt i needed. ) i dont trust anyone any more.
at the moment is see my psych-nurse about once every 2 months and about every 2 weeks i see an OT to help with stress. i also get out-reach come to help out once a week but that isnt working out at the moment and so i think i will ask them to stop coming.
i live with my boyfriend who is agoraphobic. other than him i have only 1 friend that i am in contact with. my mother and grandmother live in the same town as me and are supportive although i avoid them if i am really not well.
i am very alone in all of this and i just dont know what to do.
i am not on medication because i dont trust them. i have been on so many. at one point i was on 4 different anit-depressents and still wanted to kill myself. i was on lithium and eflexor at one point but i was psychotic and very paraniod about taking them. i was put on resperadone and within 2 months non of my clothes fit i put on so much weight so quickly. i tryed others but they made me so unhappy, i felt like half my brain had been turned off and i worried all the time about the side effects. so now i am med free.
i do have periods, like now, when i am pretty much ok for 2 maybe 3 weeks. my mood is not too bad and i can function. but i know that in a week or two that will change. when i start getting ill the first week i just start felling odd. i get this strange feeling like shocks in my head that go into my body. i become more and more confused. i start seeing odd things. people become like robots, the world seams unreal. as it gets worse i hear murmuring voices. sometimes i here my mother saying 'she is dead, she killed herself'. i start to think i am dead but i can still hear what is happening in the "real" world. i get to thinking i am in purgatory and its a computer generated world or something..in the end i end up sleeping to get away from it all i sleep for perhaps 2 days. and at some point i "wake-up" and every thing is back to normal. then i am depressed because i just cant cope. knowing it just keeps happening over and over. its like being in hell.
its odd but i am starting to believe more in the other world now. even when i am i am ok i find myself wondering if i am still in a computer generated world and there is some kind of program running to stop me noticing it. i dont understand why i have have these thoughts when my my head feels clear.
gosh sorry i went on so long.
i have no contact with anyone how has this disorder, i feel like i am the only one living in another world. if there is someone out there who understands what i am going though maybe i wont feel so alone...
thanx
lunar