I don't know how to express how I feel anymore. My mom passed away about 5 months ago from cancer(I'm 20) and I've just been a complete mess since then. I've been able to put on a good show for everyone by pretending I'm perfectly fine, but I can't deny that I just feel so unstable(that's the only way I can describe it)

My mom passed away about 1 month before summer break. I forced myself to return to school and I just kept pretending to be okay around others. But once summer came, I just pretty much locked myself at home and pushed away all my friends. Having to return back to school though is really difficult for me. I'm having such a hard time communicating with anyone and I just feel nervous being around others. It doesn't help that I'm being bullied by these 3 girls in my class too. That's just making me more self conscious about myself. I just feel like I'm starting to break down and that I can't get myself to keep going to school. I stressed myself so much to the point I recently found out I developed a stomach ulcer. Since I pushed all my friends away too, I feel like I'm completely alone. I didn't mean to push them away, but for some reason just couldn't get myself to be around anyone. I don't really know what to do anymore...I just want to be happy again, but I feel like it's not going to happen and the more I try to get myself to be happy, the worst I get. I don't know what to do to make myself feel better and get myself through college. I'm not sure why, but also ever since my mom passed away I feel like I hate myself. I hate the way I look and act and I feel like that's part of the reason why I don't want to be around anyone. I don't know where those thoughts came from and why I feel like this, but I can't get them to go away. I just don't know what's wrong with me.