I have been scared of posting here. I have been scared of talking to anyone about this. I have been pretty scared, period. I am no stranger to disordered eating. It is certainly not new to me. I have ignored it most of my life, though. I went through restricting in high school/early adulthood. Then, after I dealt with my first death in adulthood, I went into a period of heavy binge eating. And now, I fear I have fallen into restricting again.

In the beginning, it was fairly easy to hide. My family, of course, didn't notice the problem right away. It started (progressively) in January. Now, though, they're noticing. And while I was maybe just a little drunk, I spilled the beans and confessed things I didn't even know I was doing. The problem is I'm stuck because I'm scared but there's a part of me that isn't sure I'm ready to get better. I don't remember much of my mom's reaction, but I heard her say maybe I should consider hospitalization and that has been echoing in my head all day.

I'm stuck here: a) I know I have a problem, b) I know I need help, but c) I both do and don't want help at the same time. I don't know how to bring this up to my doctor. I don't know how to mention it to him. I have, also, been a little afraid no one will take it seriously since I don't fit the 'stereotype'.

In my mind... I can't see the difference. But last night, my mother told me it's substantial. I'm just.. so afraid. And after doing this on and off for so long, I think I'm ready to admit that I'm afraid. I'm just not sure how to bring it up, or if I'm ready. And that's what I want help with. Bringing it up. Because it's been bugging me. I've been honest with him about everything except this.

It has been 30 minutes since I typed this. Strange how I can be so open here about everything but this. I guess the fear exists even /here/. The doubt that I have a problem exists even /here/. And the fear of getting better does, too. Finally braving the post button.