Quote:
Originally Posted by Bark
Looks like the depression is back. Maybe it will go away. Maybe not. Feels like it never left; it's hard to remember feeling different when you're on either side of the spectrum. Either you can't imagine ever being depressed or you can't imagine never being depressed. It takes over your mind, over everything.
I'm not even a full-time student and I can't handle the load. I keep procrastinating and pushing things off and forgetting.... Yeah, when I was able to study for that exam I did really well, but that was a fluke. I'm an idiot and a horrible person who's to blame for everything. Yes, everything. My friends self-destructing is my fault. I can only look on. I'm a liar; people befriend me because of that false facade I share. If they knew the real me....
See, I'm giving in to the negative thoughts. Because when you feel like this, throw logic and reason out the window. It's much easier, more satisfying, more tempting to give in.
I hate myself for even posting this. But some recess of my mind is telling me: this is the depression talking. You know that. These are the things other people are believing and they're not true. But the dominant voice? Screw that.
I wish I could take everyone's pain and suffering and make it mine. So you guys wouldn't be hurting so much. I might care little for myself, but you guys are always on my mind.
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I'm here to tell you Bark, that it is the depression talking. Don't hate yourself for posting that. If it's cathartic to you, then so be it. We're not here to judge..
I wish I could take your suffering so you don't have to go through this. But no one can.. so we're all here to support each other. Hope you're okay Bark. Always here
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On another note, I survived through my new school's orientation.
but with a cost: I'm more unstable than before. For no good reason.
I don't know whether I could do this. I don't know whether I could make it through school with depression. I don't want to tell my new school about my condition. I don't want sympathy "marks." I don't want any of those. I just want to be treated like a normal schoolgoing person. But the previous time I attempted school and a major exam, I flunked. Badly. And parents didn't understand anything. That it was hard. That everyday I spend my time idling on my laptop, it is me.. running away from this darkness.
I'm scared. I'm scared to do this.. and fail my parents' expectations again.
.. and no, they won't ever understand that it was due to my illness.
__________________
"The is no better exercise for the human heart than reaching and lifting others up." - John Holmes
herethennow: This ward is a prison!
Wardmate: No.. here's not a prison. *points to brain* Here is.
dx: recurrent MDD.