TRIGGER ALERT - This is a letter of frustration and I suppose anger... and there is a number of things in here that aren't at all happy happy.

Before I start I'm currently waiting for a new T to give me an appointment... after an absence of talking for about half a year. My last T was pretty bad (unprofessional), left after 5 or 6 sessions to move to London, essentially talked to me about limited issues (that I shared) and said 'you'll be fine' while leaving no notes on my records.... my Dr was not impressed when I went back for a yearly review on my meds and has encouraged me to book a new appointment.

I've done so... but I'm full of doubt of it being any help at all.

Woke up this morning feeling like crap and decided to get my feelings into a letter which I'm considering handing to my T when I see them. For obvious reasons I'm not showing this to my Wife or anyone I know... but I wanted to share it here really to get an impression on if it's too much... whether I should seek immediate help (meh) or what:

Edit: Perhaps this letter is too much... perhaps it's everything I want to say but shouldn't.... I just don't know anymore... all help that has been given has never seemed to help long term... everything seems pointless to me.

I'm sorry... I'm just at my wits end and I'm trying my hardest to hold on but I can't think what for anymore.

So annoying... yesterday was perhaps one of the better days I've had in ages.... calm before the storm.

Again: Trigger warning!

"A letter to who I’ll be speaking to.

I don’t know what good this is going to do. This has been a partial help in the past but the negative intrusive thoughts and wish for death don’t go away... I’m just better at calming my outwardly expressed emotions, anger and frustration so I don’t upset others. If that’s the purpose of cbt then I guess it’s done its job.

The alternative is to just stay on the medication but my GP (nice guy) is not a psychotherapist and all he can do is keep prescribing me generic antidepressants... I don’t even know if they are helping.

I don’t know or trust how much I should tell you. I’ve been in hospital once (while at university) and I don’t want to go back... not because I don’t think it would help... short term it might but in the long term I’d probably lose my job in the process, possibly my wife and it would be a vicious circle. I’m not stupid enough to not realize that the same would occur if I killed myself... but I’d be dead so it wouldn’t matter anymore.

For that reason, any plans that I’ve made for suicide would have to go without a hitch. I know what I would do... certain barriers that had held me back previously have been removed and I guess the only thing that has held me off is to see how this meeting goes. No pressure (my feeble attempt at humor, sorry).

I don’t particularly feel sad or self pitying... I am however tired almost all of the time and I’ve just come to realize that life is a pointless monotony of nothingness... I rarely find any joy or feeling towards anything anymore... sometimes I wonder if my laughs and smiles are just a process of habit as any connecting feeling to them dissipates quickly. I do get negative intrusive thoughts re-enforcing doubts over self worth, ability and just generally who I am but I’m coming to the conclusion that perhaps I’m trying to subconsciously psych myself up to get on with plans and stop delaying the inevitable.

So there you go, thanks for reading. I know this is a cry for help in some way but how many times can you cry before you realize there is no longer any point?

My Name" *(edited out of this post, no offense)