I kind of do the same thing...I'll see if I can get myself worked up enough to do it. I have had less of an urge lately because of the medication I've been taking, but I still want to do it, so I end up doing it. I think the main feeling I get is questioning whether the medication is working, or am I just going through an 'ok' period. I don't trust myself to stop because then it will be worse if I feel the need to start again. I hope that makes sense