Have you considered talking to a therapist? Then, you could explore the parts of you that want help vs the parts that don't, and why. As you work through that, you could also work on the behaviors. I would caution, though, to find a therapist that specializes in ED's. Others just don't get it, and if you don't fit the clinical symptoms for a diagnosis, they're less inclined to consider it a problem even when it really is.

I've bounced back and forth between restricting and binge eating most of my life. In high school and college, I severely restricted, but never got to an unhealthy weight, because I didn't want anyone to know what was going on. After college, I started binge eating and at first, it was okay because it just brought me up to a more normal weight. Then, I started getting heavier, so I'd bounce back and forth between restricting and binge eating. I'm almost 40 now and still struggling with it. I'm just slightly overweight right now, so most doctors and therapists would not consider that I have a problem, but I recognize that I do. The therapist that I see now sees a lot of ED clients and it's one of her specialties. I've been seeing her for 4 years, and we've talked about my history of restricting, but it's only now that I've felt safe enough with her to talk about the rest - the binge eating, the bouncing back and forth, the general pattern of disordered eating. My therapist is taking me seriously, she's said she's concerned, and we're talking about it. There's not much a medical doctor could do for me except tell me to lose weight and offer diet and exercise tips, and that would probably just throw me in to another round of restricting. I know all that stuff...for me, it's the mental side that needs work, the need to do these behaviors. That's where the therapist comes in. She doesn't judge me, helps me work through things, and understands when I tell her that part of me wants help and part of me doesn't. She also gets it when I tell her that I can't even decide if I really have a problem or not (she's told me that what I've shared with her so far concerns her, so maybe it's worth working on).