Everything I've read in your replies makes sense to me. I was nodding along. And that kind of scares me further. But maybe the fear isn't bad, because maybe (maybe) it's what I need to be pushed in the right direction.

I think you're right.. We almost never feel 'ready'. With everything else.. depression, self harm, even the extremely euphoria.. I reached a point where I was just ready to reach out. With this, though, it's taken longer. Even sitting here, talking about it I'm wondering if I should just shut up and back out.

I have been trying yoga. To help with my depressive episodes. I've seen it have good results there, I don't think it's helped me much with this problem. I'm not even sure what to call it at this point..

But logically, I know that EDs don't really have a look. There's just a part of me that's reasoning my not telling by saying they won't believe me, anyway. Or maybe that parts of me wants them not to believe me. The image we've been fed is a problem, though. It really, really is.

But yes. That's exactly where I am. One minute, I'm in denial. I believe I'm perfectly fine. The next, I'm lying in bed, unable to get comfortable, barely able to move, and I know something is wrong. I have a T. I'm been speaking to him about my social anxiety and my mood disorder. My next appointment to see him is the 31st. I feel he might notice as the signs are really beginning to show now. The outward ones, not just the inner ones. And I'm a little scared that he might. Then again, I also admitted to lack of sleep and loss of appetite, so I don't know.

The problem with finding a specific one is that I don't have the money to shop around. THe one I'm seeing now, I'm only in there on state appointed insurance. For the medication, I don't have insurance and had to bust my butt off this past week for people just to earn the money. I, also, hard to part with my Psychology book I planned on saving. But maybe I'll be brave enough to bring it up to him. I've bounced back and forth, too. Restricting more often than binge eating. The latter only occurred when I was grieving so badly I just.. didn't know what to do with myself.

Right now, I'm at a point where I'd like to tell him (my T), but at the same time, I know that tomorrow I might decide not to. Has anyone ever tried writing it (or anything like it) down and handing it to their T? Maybe that would be less stressful for me.

ETA: I had this half typed up earlier. Then I took my meds.. and it made me tired. So, if any of it seems to jump from one thought to another. That's why. I fell asleep half way through writing it.