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I am anxious to get feedback on this...I started fantasizing very young mostly because I was fat and had low self esteem. I was into celebrities and fantasized I was different beautiful women and that I had whatever gorgeous guy I wanted. Finally, I got tired of jumping around and being different celebrities...yet I could not pick one that I wanted to stay with. So I created my own person and fell wholeheartedly into that fantasy. I made up my own biography of this person and and course she married the most gorgeous guy. I have added to the biography thoughout my 20's & 30's and acted out different scenes from my fantasy person's story - especially with her lover.
I am married and in my 40's now and still act out scenes from my fantasy woman's life when I want to escape my own life. I have a wonderful loving husband. Recently, I became very emotional during one of these scenes. I was acting out a scene from when I was reunited with my lover after a long time apart due to a misunderstanding. I pretended to kiss my lover by kissing my pillow and we 'both' started crying tears of joy since we were finally reunited. Then a funny thing happened... I was suddenly jolted out of the fantasy somehow. I was still crying but the crying turned to weeping as I realized that my lover was not real. It was like I was jolted back into being myself all of a sudden and I mourned the loss of this man I so loved. I wept for quite some time after that and have not been able to go back into the fantasy since; I think of him at times when I'm trying to work and I tear up at missing him.
I feel embarrassed that I have had this fantasy for so long and that I let it get to the point where it is affecting my life so and I don't know why.
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