I know the feeling you are describing. I just got away from it as I just had a manic episode. I'm on lithium and zyprexa and topomax. I've gained weight but the only thing Ican do is exercise and try not to eat too much. It sucks, I know. I was 130 pounds when I started on Depakote. I miss being skinny, but I also know I can't be manic all the time either.