not that my mother was the perfect model..... but I recall as a kid pretty much every time I "got the belt" - right after that I would go up to my room and I could hear my mother sobbing in the bathroom.

Let me tell you - the spanking did not hurt me as much as knowing that I made my mother cry.

Point being - kids are smarter and more observant than a lot of us old people think they are.

Hang in there - I sincerely think you can do this.