Hi all

im just posting for some support really. i have had a rough 2007 so far, emotioanlly, and last night it got the better of me, i lost my temper and punched a few things (inanimate objects may i stress) and cut my hand in the process, i also slammed my desk's keyboard into my desk, getting it wedged, then when i tried to pull it back out it wouldnt come, so i tugged a little harder, making it fly out and i fell back into the corner of my wardrobe really bruising my shoulder. i dont know what came over me, i was crying and was so angry. for the first time in a while i asked to die last night. i havent felt that way for a while, yeah, ive been down, but ive always retained a little bit of hope, but last ngiht i couldnt, and didnt want to.

it started when the new music making program i bought wouldnt work (the second one now) and i spent ages trying to fix it, to find out my computer isnt compatible with music making programs - meaning i had no reason to lose all my previous work (you may remember me saying about that last year). i havent eaten a proper meal in a few days now, and i feel quite run down. tired. emotional. sick, but not throguh hunger. and just generally down.

last night i hit a stage i havent been at for a few months, and i didnt like it. a couple of nights recently i have been dreaming of me being in sexual situations that i have no control over - that i am forced into. dreams that obviously arent nice. overall my happiness has dropped since christmas, even though i had such a good holiday.

then a few days i decided to jump back into my music as i find it very productive and eases my stresses...it allows me to invest so much emotion into it, thus works as a therapy for me, but i coudlnt get it to work last night, and i just snapped.

it was os out-of-character for me to get that angry, i punched my desk, which split my knuckle, and i threw a few things around in my room. this really is NOT me normally, its just a build up of anger for a few weeks, and since i havent had therapy since 2 weeks before christmas (my first session of this year is next tuesday - so not long now) i havent been able to release it, what with my music making project not going to plan.

today i feel drained. energy levels are low, so i know i should eat, but i cant face it. im not forcing myself to eat either, am i allowing these emotions to flow and i am eating enough to keep me going, so i am not really worrying about not eating enough as i know it isnt permanent. i just want a light on the horizon to focus on, which seems to be non-existent right now.

thats why i havent been here posting much. i havent been posting properly for a while now, i just cant find the inner strength i once had.

im talking now to get it out of my system, to releave me of these feelings i have had. and to not feel so alone too!

thanks for listening.

simon