So my boyfriend and I have been living together now for a couple of months.
We have spent everyday together, the only time we have really been apart is a few hours here and there, and I am the one who Is usually waiting for him to get back He just started his job today and he is working a 12 hour shift 7pm-7am. It's only been an hour or so and I am already going crazy. I am trying to keep myself pre-occupied, but I feel lonely, and wish he was here to keep me company. I know I have been nagging at him to "just get a job" but now that he is actually working it ****ing sucks. I know we need the money, we are moving out at the end of the month, and financially we have been through hell. I mean eating beans and rice and hitting up every food bank in the city with not a dime to our name kind of hell. I guess I'm just not used to him not being around. I miss him already, I feel pathetic.

I have been reading up on borderline personality disorder and I seem to have every symptom, I know I shouldn't self diagnose but It's hard not to. I wouldn't want to take any medication, unless every other option has failed. I should really start taking advantage of the drop in counselling. I guess I know I need help, I just don't really know what would actually work for me. I guess I won't know until I try.

Anyways I feel pretty crappy right now. I'm really anxious, and I know sleeping tonight alone is going to suck. It's basically like prison where he works, he can't leave the building not even on his lunch break, and he can't bring his phone with him, but It's not like I would be able to text him anyways seeing how I have no phone of my own and all. So there's no real way for us to talk to each other. I guess I just get worried, I don't really know my way around the city yet, and I don't really know too many people here yet, and I'm dead broke so there's not much I can do besides hang out around the house... which is really depressing. His dog is here for the time being so I guess he will cuddle with me and keep me company tonight, but He won't be here for too long because we have to get rid of him (our new apartment won't allow pets) So it will be even more lonely once he is gone too.

I mean time alone is great every now but I don't think I can mentally tolerate 12 hours by myself everyday, I guess I have my new gym membership, but I am always really anxious about going by myself, and working out in front of people seeing how I am not in the best shape. I don't even really have that much stuff either here because I got off the streets awhile back, and my mother threw out all my belongings, since I'm the other side of the country. I just hate feeling this way, I feel empty, shakey, lonely, and bummed out. What is wrong with me ? Why can't I enjoy my own company, and be at peace with my own thoughts? I wish I had booze so I could just get drunk pass out, and wake up and he'll be here. The worst part is I know he is going to want to come home, and sleep all day. I guess I shouldn't complain. He is finally working which is amazing considering his anxiety issues and lack of motivation. Maybe I should start working, He seems to think I should just work on myself, and feeling better, and my mental and physical health before jumping into a job. I have a really hard time dealing with stress. He Is probably right, and besides If I start working It will probably mean more time apart.

I hope tonight goes by faster, I hope I can fall asleep alone for the first time In a long time. I mean there's been nights of drunk fighting where one of us ends up angry, and passed out on the couch but we are always a room away from each other. I just wish I had friends, I just wish I had hobbies, and I wish I didn't feel this way when we are apart. I don't know how well I am going to deal with over the next little while, but I guess this is good. We finally get to have nice things, instead of living off welfare, and being together 24/7 fighting.

I also hate how paranoid I am, It can't be normal to think of my boyfriend going to work, and meeting somebody cooler, or prettier then me, cheating on me, or not missing me. It's so stupid... because I KNOW he loves me, and I always find myself trying to convince/reassure myself that he would never ever hurt me, but these irrational thoughts are always there in the back of my head. In a picture perfect world I would be my own person, be able to be on my own, and handle life outside of the house on my own even walking the dog down the street by myself is emotionally exhausting.

If anyone has any advice, or has felt the same way please feel free to reply. I need it more than anything right now.....