Or to rephrase, choose him or your healing. I see you are afraid of his game-playing and potential threats. You've explained here why you talk here instead of with him - he cross-examines you and triggers you. Intimacy and trust are a two-way street, but he's saying "my way or no way." He abused you - the way he's treating you now is part of that continuum. It's not respectful. What happens when you express your anger to him? Because you are clearly expressing it here to us. It's a hard thing to resolve, scary, and this is why so many people come here to talk about such things instead of going to their partners.