I thought my meds were working. Fair, I have been more stable and haven't had a hypomanic episode, but I am getting very depressed. And lonely.

I don't know if its just normal stuff or the Cyclothymia. For the past few weeks, I have been happy with my life. Now, I'm not really happy unless I'm working on something. I don't know what to tell myself. It's the disorder and I'll feel better in a couple of weeks or that its PMS or that I'm just sad right now and it will go away when my life changes. I just upped my dosage of lamictal and can't see my T for another week.

All I want to do is be alone. Then when I'm alone too long, I don't want to be alone, but I don't want to be with anyone I know.

I feel like everywhere I go, something bad will happen. There is someone who will dislike me or upset me or that I'll say the wrong this in front of everywhere I go. I want to be somewhere safe. I feel so vulnerable so much of the time.

Why is the world so mean? Most people are dishonest, petty, dramatic, boring, and/or lacking depth. I'm constantly looking for people to bond with. Most people disappoint and hurt me. I can't keep doing it. I'm not strong enough. I operate on a higher moral standard.

I have nothing to look forward to. Graduation is meh because it isn't going to change my life right away. I'm not excited about poetry readings or shows or other social events that I used to enjoy. I know that I never meet anyone remarkable anymore, and if I do, they'll disappoint me. I'm not even looking forward to traveling abroad because I feel like no one in the Middle East will like a white, feminist, Agnostic American with poor Arabic. I feel like I'll be even more alone.

What happened? I was happy three days ago why can't anyone understand or help me. I'm a person like everyone else.