Dear Thornbird,

If your willing to go for the ride, know it may be a life journey together.
I' also asking because you say you stay with him because you love him.
Are you in love with the person he is today or in love with the possibility of who he can be, or both?

My partner of 18 years has OCD, complex PTSD, BP, and N personality.
I have my own issues that I am working on like Co dependant emotional disorder, Complex PTSD, anxiety, and chronic physical disabilities.

We both came from traumatic backgrounds that we understood oneanother.
So it was our suffering that brought us together.
Unfortunately the first 10 years was 50/50 good and bad.
I moved out because "i" started to disappear.
I went on my own emotional/mindful/spiritual journey.
We could not heal the other, healing and changing comes from great effort inside each individual and that was impossible under the same roof.

I changed, worked on my thinking/thought processes/ and uproot the origins of why I accepted such behaviors.

He was not a bad person. But his negative words/ I've never done anything wrong/ look at all I do for you/ him never allowing me to put my guard down/
Why are you doing this this way. I could not keep up with a perfect person who was far from perfect. Could not dare to have an opinion. He was also a loving man who in the good times treated me the best, gave me his heart and home. He was a wonderful father to my/our daughter.

We have been loyal to our relationship, this would have been a red line or if there was any physical abuse that would have been a red line.
A person imo with N tendencies live in a constant fight or flight mode and needs to be in control all the time that stems from fear or malice.

He has done a lot of reflection, he has opened his heart and listens without being defensive. And the more we talk the pain from the past no longer has its grasp on him and he can talk about his feelings.
And we can talk about our traumatic childhoods, we can look back with humour how we treated ourselves. Now we are working on things as they arise and never point out prior behaviors, we can talk about it but not in a way of who did what.

Now we are planning retirement together from a place that is equal. We learned most of all that the love and effort kept us together. We are best friends the joy we have today, comes from making it through the sorrow of yesterdays. He still has tendencies of that narcissistic side but I give him a smile and he gets it. When he is frustrated I give him space and do not respond by crying because he is upset.

So if there is glimmer of hope and both are willing, things can get better.
Please remember that this is a snapshot of 18 years.

Hope this helps.
If the N is coming from a place of malice and gets off controlling you, it is time to walk away. You deserve better