It all happens so fast. When I joined PC in August I wasn't feeling depressed and now I'm feeling dreadful. I'm already sick of having daily moments when I don't feel depressed, because I tend to be a lot more talkative and even act childish. And I totally hate that. And there are some manic moments, short lasting kind which occurr mostly in the afternoon (I don't think I'm bipolar though, because I don't feel hyperactive, little need for sleep or extreme happiness). I kinda like my manic moments, even though I still feel sad and that I'm being followed, at least I feel good.
During my manic moments I tend to think very positive about my future, sometimes it's so positive that I wake up in the morning feeling ashamed of myself.
I don't think I ever feel 'normal'.
I want to cry sometimes but I can't.
I don't like it when other people try to help me too much in a matter, or when they act very good with me. Neither when they act bad.
I'm starting to give up the hope of having a normal social life. I don't feel anymore that I am able to live a life like that. And I'm afraid it'll go down the drain eventually.
At the moment, all I want is a place of mine with all the facilities I need, some good books, CDs and vinyls and an animal companion, a dog.
I love animals and one of my wishes is to get a dog someday. I've never had a dog and it sucks, because I really believe a dog would understand me.
But I'm afraid I'll hit my dog, like I did 10 years ago with a street dog. I feel very sorry now and hate myself for doing that. Since then I behaved pretty well with other animals, but I had moments of extreme anger when I'd hit them and run.
This is my dark side I guess. Sometimes I dream myself torturing small cats and dogs. I'm not like that, I never was, not even during those anger moments.
I feel stupid and miserable. Later I'll be feeling more miserable for coming here and crying.
For a couple of seconds I wanted to die.