Panda, I am diagnosed with GAD, Panic, Insomnia. Cyclothymia, PMDD, as well as OCD and Agoraphobic tendencies. I have a strong feeling that my T suspects BPD tendencies as well. She says things like “you have the background for BPD, you’ve done pretty well for yourself” and “well, that’s a personality thing”.

I don’t know if it’s self-esteem because I like myself, but I feel like I don’t like how I don’t feel like anyone can love me or like me or know me. I hate that I can’t figure it out and place a burden on myself because of it.

Maybe no one can maintain my standards, but they are there, and I don’t think that they are wrong. I hate lying; I don’t lie. So many people lie and I have no idea why. I’m a very strong philanthropist. I can’t deal with people who say prejudice things. I believe that I often have a moral obligation to say something, but I don’t call anyone names and try to be understanding. Then I just get flack from people for it. My friend explained it to me very well, “Most people don’t like to have their privilege questioned. I have utilizing people for personal gain, but so many people here, especially men, do that to people. I can’t stand for people using people and taking advantage of people. But these people are always valued higher in society. It REALLY bothers me. I don’t even want to go out anymore because I see all of these people acting so poorly and I can’t stand seeing it and knowing that everyone will always love these people more than me. I can’t even go to poetry readings anymore (even though I used to look forward to them so much) because I hate seeing these two guys who I had flings with who lied to me and used me be idolized by other people. It hurts too much on an ethical and emotional level.

My T and I have worked on me not judging so quickly. I haven;t been writing off people so quickly and have been less snobby about superficial things like intelligence and interests. However, whenever I do give people a chance, most disappoint me. My T says that I am just more mature than everyone here and that I’m hard to keep up with because of my intelligence and passion. What can I do about that? Get dumb? Be someone else?

I’ve been in therapy pretty consistently for 4 years. Some things have gotten better, but I’m about to graduate college and I’m still dealing with so much. When does it get better?