Quote:
Originally Posted by Tarra
From a CBT perspective, I'm trying to do this by choosing my behaviors as if I weren't a perfectionist. First I've identified some areas where I think my perfectionism is more harmful than helpful - eg. getting anxious about emails and rewriting them, or spending far too much time and anxiety making a decision about a big purchase. Then I think what an average person might do - eg. send emails to friends without rereading, spend one day researching purchase and then make the decision based on that information. Then I make myself do the same!
But I don't force myself to 'let it go' in the sense of trying to force myself not to feel anxious. I change my behaviors and let myself fully feel the fear that those changes cause. I journal about it, identify biases. I sometime review later, to see if my fear came true.
Does that sound like something that could work for you? I think it's also important to do the deeper work in therapy, to understand why I feel the need to control things, why I feel excessive fear, and to empathise with my younger self rather than judge myself. But once I've understood that and decided to change, it's mostly about breaking through the habits to try a new way.
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So does that work well for you then?
The thing is I'm not sure I see the need for control as a bad thing. I know for sure that my perfectionism/OCD is bad for me and it causes me a lot of distress but I don't really see why striving towards doing things as good as possible is a bad thing. I don't really understand why it's so bad to be in control of things.
Also, I'm a creature of habit. I like routine and I get quite overwhelmed by new situations, changes and people/things breaking my routines. Routines and being repetitive make me feel safe. I don't know if I want to change everything my psychologist thinks I should change. I definitely want to get better (because I'm doing terrible) and I want to be in therapy. I want to be able to live a life where I can function well. I want to be able to do things I can barely dream of doing right now. I just don't see how I could change by my therapist telling me to "just do it".
He's not really keen on understanding why things are the way they are for me. He says it's better to focus on the present and what you can do to get better. Something like that.
It hurts not getting the help I need. It makes me feel so bad it literally hurts. I'm starting to think I'm the problem. That it's my fault it isn't working.