Hi.


I'm new & joined this site for clarity. I'm confused & don't know what to think anymore. I've been in a relationship with my bf for 3 years. He moved from FL to NY to be with me. While in Fl, he was depressed & on cocaine but wld only use it every 2 weeks when he got paid. I stayed with him even though I was in NY & supported him because I was in love with him wanted a family & a life with him even though he wasn't making the best decisions at the time. I was in pain when he would use it because he would turn off his phone from Fri until Mon & this would leave me anxious & worried because I didn't know what was going on. This was the first time I've had a long distance relationship. I believed that we could have a good life together because we had a lot in common & shared the same values.


I stayed with him through suicide attempts & cocaine binges for 1.5 years until he made the decision to move to NY with me in 2011. I agreed but only if he stopped using coke & would try to get help with his life. He did. he cleaned himself up & went to counseling. He was depressed because he was lonely for me & both of his parents had died in 2008. We met in 2009. My son & I were living with my mom when he moved here because I was recently unemployed & I agreed to take care of him until he found a job then we would look for an apt & get married. I put him in hotels, rooms & even my ex brother in law's house until he finally got a job to drive trucks as an OTR Driver. I stayed by his side & offered support even though we would have arguments over money & there was tension because he is easily frustrated over things. We were in our growing pains time.


One of our arguments was so bad, I broke up with him but it was only for 1 night! He said he felt so rejected by me that he slept with another woman & even sent me the pics of him & her in bed! It broke my heart & I couldn't get it out of my head because I dedicated my time, myself & invested in US. He broke our bond. I felt betrayed because we didn't really break up. It was a bad argument & I thought we just needed a time out. He was OTR at the time & I had planned on calling him in the AM to make up. I tried to forgive him because I loved him but it caused me to mistrust him & I'm insecure about our relationship. It hurts because I was dedicated to him for 1.5 years & never strayed!! I was loyal even when he would turn off his fone but he wasn't loyal to me for 1 night because of a stupid argument!


We now live together. He's now has a local job & comes home everyday. He has somewhat proved his dedication to me but can give & do more. He still has selfish ways because he was alone for years & has to learn how to give & share. We argue a lot & some have gotten very bad. Our arguments are because I can't open up my heart & I'm always suspicious of his every move because of what he did. He accuses me of being with other men because of what he did. I thought about leaving him but it hurts to leave & it hurts to stay. I do love him very much & want to marry him but how do I learn to trust him again? What if every disagreement we have he uses that as an excuse to sleep with another woman? I want to trust him again but how? I wish I had a pencil to erase that part of our life because it has caused both of us a lot of pain.

Do you think counseling will help? I can't live in pain anymore. neither of us deserves it.