thank you so much for your responses. it really makes me feel less alone/insane. i really, really appreciate it. and i'm really encouraged by what some of you had to say.

allie: i'm sorry about your breakdown and about the way you're feeling but yes-- that's the borderline. (and i can so relate to the just wanting to be held bit!)

oprmc: i can really relate to that. i self-sabotage too. it's almost like i'm afraid to get better because i'll lose who i was for the past 5 years. my illness has literally taken over my identity.

toejam: as much as i'm afraid of getting better and as much as i almost look for the depression when things are going well... it almost feels like a defense mechanism in a way since i feel like i believe it's never going to get better and the good days are just illusions. but i can relate to your sentiment about depression holding you back. i know that, for me, as comfortable (in some ways) as the depression is, it has really interfered with my life and i wish that i had never experienced it.

blossoms: that's EXACTLY what i'm feeling!!! you just articulated it so much better. i've always been anxious and depressed and i don't know who i'd be without it. everything would change... my relationships with people, my expectations of myself... it's really scary. in that sense, being depressed is comfortable or safe in a sense. and i'm protected against certain responsibilities and expectations because "oh hey, it's great you got a b because you were depressed!"

nija43: i'm glad you could relate to my question, it certainly makes me feel less alone. i agree with how it's so much easier to surrender to depression and kind of let go of really living and dealing with responsibilities. living as a healthy person is kind of scary, for me, after being sick for so long. i do hope you have that conversation with your therapist though... maybe you can get that 99% down to a 80%.