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Wants2Fly said:
Hello Yoda -- My situation has never reached the place where yours is, but I have experienced some downward slides that were very scarey.

If you live in the US, you live in a society that ignores its poorest, sickest, oldest and their needs. The infrasctructure we need isn't here.

Is there any possibility of getting church or community resources to help you? Sometimes church groups help people fix up homes. My school is having a big push right now to get us to do "service learning" projects with our students.

If not, please be as kind and patient as you can with yourself. This isn't your fault.

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I kind of have mixed feelings about people. Sometimes you get rain and sometimes you get sunshine.

Last year I lost my social security disability income because I do not read >75% of my mail (a sort of procrastination, I think) and thus did not fill out the appropriate paperwork and lost my benefits. So I lived in my house for 2 months with no electric with my food in a cooler with ice. I called 8 different churches then to ask for support. Nobody gave any help and half of them would not even return my phone call. I finally got my disability back with the help of my psychiatrist.

But, on the other hand, this summer when my grass was 2 feet tall because I had procrastinated until it was finally too high to cut with a lawnmower - as I said in my first post, a neighbor who lives on my rural road asked if I would mind if she cut my grass for me. For free! I didn't even know this lady. I had no money to give her but I did give a carton of cigarettes to her husband who did most of the cutting.

My family couldn't really care less. The reason I moved back into my house with no electric last summer was because I could no longer stand my sister who had a cow because I didn't dry off before getting out of the shower and got HER precious rug wet. And so on... I was much happier living in peace with no electric.

Which has me wondering - am I too happy? I mean, I am stunned that I have survived after having guns to my head multiple times. So I am now just happy that I wake up every morning and that is all it takes to make me happy. I love life.

My son doesn't understand why I am no longer bothered by the filth that I live in. I used to care. But I no longer care. I have a high self esteem, maybe too high?? Wondering if I am delusional? Sometimes I think I am losing touch with reality.