hahahaha i really appreciated that.

i haven't dated anyone (well been in a relationship. i'm a relationship girl, not a dating girl) for 2 years also. i'm 21 and so afraid that i'm going to end up alone. i have social anxiety so i'm not really putting myself out there... and i also have low self-esteem so i always date guys who are messed up or just not good enough for me. i know i need to have more respect for myself, be less desperate, and set higher standards.

i met my last boyfriend at when i was hospitalized in an in-patient unit. that should have been a warning sign. but i was vulnerable and he liked me and i kind of just went with it. he had borderline and a host of other issues. i felt like because we were in the in-patient unit together, he would understand and that it'd be a good match. i was wrong. for me, i have enough mental issues that i can't be propping another emotionally unstable person up. that's not to say i wouldn't be supportive and that any relationship i'm in wouldn't be 50/50 but i feel like the taking care of bit has to be more even. and when i was dating that guy w/ bpd and abandonment issues, i was constantly reassuring him that i loved him and wasn't going to go anywhere (opps...) it just got to be too much and after about a year, i ended it. since i knew he had abandonment issues, i tried to still be his friend, but it was weird for me because he'd always want to see me or go out and stuff. and eventually it got to the point where i had to block him from my phone and all my social media to just remove him from my life. he became toxic for me. that's just my experience (and that was also bpd not bp) and i'm sure other couples could make it work. but the timing (i mean... we meant in a mental institution...) and the match just wasn't right.

i wish i could say i love being single but i don't. i'm so afraid that i'm going to end up miserable and alone. i fight myself everyday to not unblock him and pick things up where they left off because i know that he'd go for it. but i try to remind myself that i want better for myself. i want the cliche fairy tale life where i'm happily married with the white picket fence and all that. i know. so cheesy.

as for disclosing your mental illness... i feel like that's up to you. i wouldn't blurt it out (ie: "hi! i'm nicole, i tried to kill myself last summer. what are your hobbies?") but i'd definitely tell the person fairly early... if i thought the relationship had some potential and if i trusted the person enough. if i didn't trust the person enough to tell him, i'd probably let him go.