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angelsrforever1 · Oct 18, 2013, 08:53 PM

I was always telling myself I am not depressed. Making excuses on to why I act the way that I do, but slowly I can come to the conclusion that maybe my mother was right. Maybe I really am depressed.

I have tendency to sleep instead of do work.

When I do clean I clean so well that I will not have to worry about it for weeks at a time. My smile has become something that I despise the most.

I realized something important though. I have friends - not just any normal group of friends - but people who actually care about my health.

Who want me to succeed even when I don't want to succeed myself.

As I lay in bed contemplating what I feel it occurs to me that I do not know how to feel. I lost all feeling of love

and happiness

when I felt as though nobody wanted to care about me. Why do I feel this way? Mainly because I was always told that friends are never going to remain a constant in my life.

That majority of the friends I were to make in high school will live their live and leave me just a distant memory.

A figment of the imagination until a reunion come up or something that would bring all of us together. Another thing I was told was that life itself will end family will die and then who will you depend on? Nobody. That in life a person must be self sufficient. Being only ten at the time I would cry myself to sleep because of the deep conversations I would stumble into. It bothers me till this day because it affects the way I think of people. The way I approach problems and the way I handle my business.

I am eighteen and took things so hard that it is extremely hard for me to make friends.

To put myself out into the open to be criticized, condemn, or any other thing that everyone else feels.

I cannot talk to guys as though it is the okay thing to do. I cannot just say hey, you with the face I like you. Do you want to hang out sometime?

I didn't join anything in high school mainly because I didn't think it mattered. Now as I attend community college I have nothing to show for. I just did the minimum to say that I was average enough to actually get accepted into a junior college.

I sit in silence because I do not know what to do for the rest of my life. I do not know if I should just take off be homeless and try to find myself in the world or continue of the paved path to a life that would work me until the end? It is a constant battle to what people believe I should do and what I should actually do.

It is something that I no longer want to think about - it is something that haunts me everyday and keeps me up every night. The mysteries of life always trying to make me think of what life lies ahead and what I should and shouldn't do with the time I have now.

It is just a though but a powerful one that consumes the mind with never ending question and never ending possibilities that constantly control the way people behave.