just dwelled on the possibility of true love being real and felt the need to further elaborate my experience with this shithole topic. really you dont need to read though, once again, im just typing.
This is gonna sound so dumb because i am and was so young , but the thing is at this point im well aware that im mentally capable and emotionally prepared enough for exploring the mental commodity that is love.
years ago in 8th grade, i met a girl named amarie . i was new at the school and had just reformed my personality , and told myself, make no exceptions. dont dumb yourself down to hang out with people you know you hate, and i stuck by that. 3 months into this new school, i had no friends at all. the offer arose daily my first couple weeks but i hated everyone so rejected them all. i sat alone and ate my lunch with dignity every day. i was pretty so even though ridicule came my way for being a loner , i was respected because it was obviously by choice and people knew that. my confidence was maintained. so amarie, she hated me , treated me like **** the first few months she knew me. one day at p.e we were in the dirt , both alone and she asked me a question skeptically with a huge attitude. i cant remember what it was but i answered calmly and politely and she opened up immediately after that and within minutes we knew eachothers entire life story and were sharing depression meds. that chemistry we shared was irreplaceable. I was a completely different and better person when i was around her. my confidence shot through the roof, i felt amazing when i was around her. i could be alone and feel not alone because i knew she had my back when the time came that i would see her. she struggled a lot with bipolar disorder and crazy irrational depression over the most ridiculous things. i supported her through it though , until highschool when we began to grow apart. she sought acceptance, while i was already embracing the identity of an outcast. so we argued , had lots of silent days and cut contact when she moved. but she raised the bar for what friendship and a relationship could be. when she left i became a wreck without realizing her absence had everything to do with it. my anxiety went haywire and i lost enjoyment in literally literally literally everything. smoking weed was nothing, in fact when she left i began to fear getting high, drunk or altering my perception period. she robbed me of my comfort zone and years after she left all ive done is wait for someone to take her spot and make me feel okay again but its never happened. no one can evoke the feelings she drained me of. if they did, i would be okay. i wouldnt even need to be on this website if just one person could take her place and make me cozy. even now when i realize i could never enjoy her company again because wev grown so vastly different, i have hope that someone will be able to jump into that void. i feel like ****. i know that that whole post was a complete blur of crap in like.. the weirdest order ever . my brain just had to vent indirectly . **** **** mother********.