So update. I have been putting a lot of effort into stopping on my own. Basicly I have someone in my life and I want to be good for him and I know if I can't cope safely I'm not. So I'm trying to stop before super messing this up and landing myself in hospital again.

In this process I missed a week of class but I made it to my Friday night class. At break I cracked, had a cigarette (3 days without), and my mood just nose dived from there. I ended the night with this friend who I want to not be dissapointed in me helping me get to bed and nursing me after throwing up T3s and lots of alcohol. He didn't see that I started cutting again (hadn't cut in months).

Basicly I feel super guilty about it all and don't want to **** up again bit I think I'm going to because I can't stop feeling guilty! Ideas for destractions or how to evade this path? I'm going to assess with my case manager if I need to go to hospital because last night got really bad. I don't want to and I think if I can get a grasp on this I won't have to.

Also side note: benzos can trigger psychosis. My good friend died by suicide caused by psychosis caused by benzos. That being said this is a really rare side effect. Other than that though they are really not that strong. Or at least not the ones I'm on.