Me want to die is not a secret.. I even think my face became suicidal, I'm more silent now, drugged most of the time with weed & alcohol, I want to die, or I just want to vanish into another fantasy world..

Seriously, the problem is I crossed a line back ago, depression & pain were so strong & painful, I crossed the line of fear..I became reckless, simply emotional pain which makes death a lovely fantasy..a suitable alternative..

I keep asking why ? why is this happening to me ? my history is simple : overprotective mom -with obsession-, insane dad who fights screams & shouts at our faces all day long, and seeing my mom brutalized by him, then both of them brutalize me in their own way.

Mom is anti-social. She would be obsessed with me & she'll lock me home -I only go to school or outings with her- until I'm 13. She always filled my head with trashing on people "people are bad, people are backstabbers, befriend with your brothers instead of people".. she would fill my head, lock me, beat me if I disobeyed her, when I was allowed out it was for a very short time, other kids started to talk about this, she would always call me when I'm with my friends, and trash me just for being 30 min late, it was embarrassing..
She wasn't diagnosed or even went to a doctor..but I knew it..
Father is too similar, though he wants me to fight with people instead of isolating myself from them..dad was insane.

Growing up, I was mostly locked up inside my own room, I was able to make friends, it was getting harder to keep them, always a fight happens over something silly, I misread things.. I misread people..It's insane.

With time, I moved to study in a different state -Texas-, I was alone there so I managed to fix many bad things my parents taught me..but many other problems still exist, I still misread things, this is something I could've never fix..

I always feel isolated, I always feel lonely, even with people I always feel the need to go into the corner & just crawl.. sometimes I would like to cry, and sometimes I would like to just die..

For the past 2 years, death is a constant..everyday I wish it, one way or another.. today I beaten my chest so hard because I wanted my heart to stop..now my chest hurts & I feel the physical pain extends to my heart too..

I want to die.. .. I don't want to live. It's so painful. I misread things.

Mom & dad corrupted my head. Now I avoid talking to them on the phone, though they call.. I'm tired..I'm tired..
So lonely..I'm just tired.

I'm still young..but I don't want this life..This looks permanent..where am I going to start over? how ?

Right now, I have nobody in my life..but those mom & dad who grew me sick in the head.. soon, they would leave..I would be even lonelier..

I'm insane..I want to die..
I want to die, I want to die, I want to die..

I'm too depressed, I don't know how I'm going to carry on the day..