Hi there,

As a few of you know my T is really rubbish with boundaries; going over time, giving me gifts, shouting and banging a wall in frustration, not referring me even though she has no experience in my issues, offering to give me free sessions, giving my advice regarding my infertility which upset me greatly, going on holiday and not telling me, seeing my best friend at the same time (which is against the code of ethics in the UK) etc etc.

Well, last week I finally worked up the courage to tell her I would be terminating in 2 weeks (I told her at the beginning of the session) she tried to tell me at first that it wouldn't be a good time to leave, but I quietly repeated that it was time for me to go and that I would be leaving in 2 weeks after about 3 years on this stint with her. She didn't speak about terminating after I mentioned it, she said it had come to a natural end then we didn't speak further about it. It's almost like she doesn't believe I've leaving.

The thing is, I feel so split.

I know leaving is better in the long run, because I get incredibly anxious before a session and now it's winter I find it hard getting back in the dark as I don't drive. She tells me what I should or should not be doing e.g. 'You should just adopt' even though I'm due to start IVF soon, she isn't supportive and it doesn't feel like therapy. I feel like I just pay her bills and we go through the motions.

However, I will miss her as she's been a constant in my week for so long.
I will miss the support.

There isn't any one else I can afford or who does evening sessions. My T knows my mental health is poor as (like a lot of you) I'm dealing with quite a lot of difficult things. Part of me thinks that she didn't really care to be honest, I have not gotten any better after all these years.

I just feel so sad and really scared. It was me who raised leaving as I know being attached to this sort of therapy isn't good, but I feel so lonely.

How can I deal with this post termination stage on top of everything else?!