I am so sorry to hear that you are feeling so low. You have had a tough life so far from what I have read. You need to get into therapy to start working on healing yourself from your past trauma. Feeling like you want to die is because you can't see any other solutions and you are viewing it a a way out of how bad you are feeling. You need to talk with someone and offload some of these bad feelings. Please try not to get into a downward spiraling mindset. There is support out there for people like you. Please use one of these support services by giving them a call and talking to them. You need to stop beating yourself up and punishing yourself for something that your parents did. You are not to blame. Be strong and focus on getting better. You obviously are a very strong person because you have had to be. Also try to refrain from drinking alcohol and smoking since it will only worsen your depression. Stay positive and make that phone call now.