Hi I'm new here. I'm undiagnosed at the moment but I believe I have suffered from some form of mental illness (I suspect depression) since my mid-teens (now in my early 20s). When I was younger it felt, in a lot of ways, controllable so I never sought help. However this summer it returned for the first time in years and it was worse than I ever experienced. I lost all interest and motivation in life and basically felt like I was fighting with every fibre of my being to keep myself alive. I also felt like that fighting did nothing. At one point I accepted I probably would be dead by the end of the year. It wasn't something I wanted, just something I felt would happen. I never so much wanted to die as feeling like it wouldn't be so bad if I did. During this time I made several appointments with a local youth mental health service but cancelled all of them from fear.

In September I returned to college and felt a lot better having something to work toward and being around people more. My mood improved hugely and I felt healthy again. However recently my moods and motivation have been slipping again. I made another appointment with the service and this time I went.

I wasn't sure what to expect but I sure as hell hadn't expected leaving feeling disappointed and like I wasted my time. I knew I wouldn't go in be diagnosed in a day and be recovered. I had expected though that by talking to the person I would feel they understood my hurt and upset and would want to help me. Instead I felt like I wasn't being taken seriously and that he believed I wasn't getting happier because I wasn't trying. I will admit I was not as candid as I was here, I did not talk about my suicidal feelings but about how I had felt numb, like I would never be happy again and how at my worst I lost all motivation to do anything. He said thatI had, up until now, treated these periods passively, not done anything to resolve them. I couldn't believe this because, as I earlier said, I felt the entire time like I was fighting with my whole body to keep going, to keep alive. I had, I suppose, not physically reacted i.e I had not exercised nor tried to meet people but as I kept trying to explain to him I lost all motivation and hope. I felt like there was nothing I could do that I wasn't already but he just didn't seem to understand. I felt almost as if he didn't understand or believe in mental illness. Like he couldn't comprehend how difficult just the thought of doing those things felt.

The service in question is not necessarily a counseling service. The people come from various backgrounds but they are linked to mental health, social care or medicine in some way. You attend for about six week maximum and then if they feel you need more help you are referred to other relevant services. Therefore I know that this is nor necessarily the typical therapist experience but it's the closest I've come. I struggled so hard to get the courage to talk to someone about my problems and I feel like I wasn't taken seriously and that the person in question felt I wasn't working hard enough to make myself happy when it's all I did.

So, after that huge ramble what I'm asking is, is my response the usual? Is it normal after your first session to feel like you're not being help and might as well just give up on the process altogether? The guy in question seemed like he wanted to help but I also felt completely and utterly misunderstood. Should I keep going with it or seek help elsewhere? My college has a counseling service so that's another option. I've heard such wonderful things about this service and it took me so long to finally look for help I'm wondering if I built it up too much so I would always be disappointed. Or maybe I'm in too good a place now? Is it possible to not be depressed enough for treatment to work? I'm just so confused and upset. I thought I would finally find a place where I was understood and instead I feel like the person in question doesn't understood mental illness is an actual illness.