I'm starting to feel like a bit of a fraud, I don't know how to put it, I guess I'm confused. I've had eating issues for years, and I'm sure I'm not exactly normal, but I'm not sure I've actually got an issue, or maybe I do and I just think I don't, god I don't know.
I DO constantly think about how many calories are in everything I eat, and I don't let myself go over the allotted amount, if I do, I freak.
I don't really purge any more, because well, my lip piercings get infected I kept finding, and I rotted my wisdom teeth and had to have them removed a couple of years ago, so I guess that's under control these days, but I think about doing it every day.
I weigh myself every couple of days, although I desperately want to every day, several times a day, I've had to try to cut back, because it was getting out of hand, but that doesn't mean I'm not constantly wanting to.
I was in my cardio class the other day, and I almost burst into tears, I had to keep it under control for the entire class, all because I was looking in the mirror and seeing how much bigger I was than everyone else, all I could think was "they're all staring thinking, look at the bumbling fat girl in the corner, pathetic" I broke down when I got to my car.
I don't deal well with people seeing me eat, I'll try hard to eat away from people, or at least make sure I don't eat much in front of others, because I'm sure they're judging me, thinking about how much I'm eating.
I went over my calorie amount yesterday, and self harmed for the first time in about a year, all because I felt disgusted by my lack of control, I hate that I did it, but I still feel it was justified.
How I look and how much I weigh is constantly on my mind, and if the scales say I'm even slightly heavier than I was the previous day, I'm ruined for the whole day.
I hate my body, my BMI says I'm in a healthy weight range, but all I see is fat, and I hate it, I'm so ashamed of myself, I can't even let my fiancé see me naked, because I'm so damn embarrassed. I don't want to be in a healthy weight range anyway, I know it's nuts, but I don't think I'll be happy until I'm in the underweight weight range, I'm sure I'll look better at that point, ok that sounds crazy even to me, but I just feel it.
Every now and then I take the eating attitudes test, and it's the highest I've had in a while, 52, but still, feels like it's just not a significant score I guess?
But after all that, reading it back, I don't think I'm actually eating disordered, I don't know, it feels like I'm a fraud, like I'm just being melodramatic. Maybe I am.
Sorry for the rambling...