First of all, welcome to teh site.

I think many of us have went through a period of disbelief. When I was young, I didn't want to think that I was ever depressed. I wanted to believe the problem was the rest of the world. Everyone kept telling me I wasn't behaving appropriately. That my sleeping all day or not at all wasn't normal. That my ups weren't normal. That my downs weren't normal. I still wouldn't call them abnormal, even though I've finally realized the world was never the problem, per se. I'm not abnormal, none of us are (normal is a stupid word, anyway). But I have been depressed. I have lain in bed at night, wondering, what now?

I encourage you to seek help if you're ready for it. I often feel I waited too long. I saw a psychiatrist in middle school, but stopped going. I didn't go long enough to reap the benefits. For a decade, I was scared to go back. Scared of the bill, scared of talking, scared of finding out what was going on with me, scared of getting better. After ten years, the feelings of extreme ups and extreme downs became normal. I pushed most of my friends away and soon, these ups and downs were my friends. But there is a better.

I'm trying so hard to reach out for it. And I've finally seen.. people do care about me. I still feel depressed. I still need to reach for hope. But I have a mother who loves me unconditionally and has supported me before I've went to every appointment. I have a sister who does her best to make sure I have the money I need to support myself. I have a dog who will always greet me. And I have a friend (though online, she's still there) who has been there even during my disappearances, even during my mood swings, even when I'm snapping at everyone. It can be hard to see these people (and animals) when depressed, but it's important to remember they're there.

I'm rambling now. I just want you to know that you're not alone. No one is ever entirely alone. There are so many people out there... out here... if you can reach out to just one of them, you're doing something.

In answer to your question, I spend most of my time thinking about life. It is a big stressor for me. I obsess over both life and death. I hear so many people with depression don't care, but I'm the extreme opposite (and there are many with depression who will say this, too). I do care, so much that I feel like I'll never achieve those things I care about. I learned something in Psych 150 that kind of bothered me. Internal people vs external. We were essentially told people with depression are external (believe that fate controls their destiny, etc). But I simply am not. I am internal. I believe that only I control my destiny. Which is what depresses me. Because I feel like I'm failing at doing so. (Locus of Control if you want to look it up) I felt like the generalization is stupid. Sometimes, not everyone in a category can be generalized.